Having told you how I really feel, why wear precious epidermal matter from the ends of my fingers slagging something like Pacific Rim? Because furry dweebs like del Toro piss me off when they shit all over my Saturday night. Yes, we were adults sitting down to a robot battle scenario but to be fair, we weren't asking for much. Gigantic automatons fighting complicated monsters. At great length. Brooding, scantily-clad hotness, colourful pseudo-science and the real promise of humanity's imminent demise. Sexy times would have been a bonus. What we got felt like ten broken minutes of budget Transformers groping pre-op Godzillas who were rumoured to have sort of upset a few people internationally while my precious pseudoscience was assaulted as never before by the kind of supporting characterisation that makes you howl on your knees for mercy or at least Ja Ja Binks. Idris Elba bleeding manfully from the nose. Pointless bulldog. Ron Perlman as Ron Perlman Futuristic Arsehole Diminishing Returns/Hey It's a Cheque Guy. A confused-looking and annoyingly chaste Charlie Hunnam. Rinko Kikuchi, who, judging by her behaviour and delivery, seemed to be suffering some kind of heavy-metal poisoning, but that could have just as easily been the script. Their gelid lack of chemistry. Fake Australian Accent Douche, most probably chosen from a talent pool heaving with actual Antipodeans. In-jokes, subtext, irony, sexy times? Hell no. By the time the Glimpsed Phlegmatic Russians saddled up I was hoping maybe they would get it on but no. It wasn't that sort of movie. We smoked a bowl. It still wasn't that sort of movie.
In groping for something positive to tell you, I can only say that the money shot-CGI passes were pretty well executed. They entertained us, briefly, although they bitchslapped me again with the infantile candied neon riffing that so irritated in the midst of Mendes' Asian Skyfall scenes. It's visual corn syrup, but isn't everything that rattles past the arsecheeks of the del Toro/Jackson complex? That's my problem with their output in a nutshell. Pacific Rim was a movie about robots and monsters that was neither monstrous nor even very mechanical, for the love of god; it was flaccid. And no, that doesn't happen to every director from time to time, Guillermo.