Kitchen Bitch: Making Gooseberry Jam- lavishly illustrated for the benefit of people who don't have a f*cking clue what they're doing. Carpe diem.

Gooseberries are possibly my favourite berry of all, from a lazy ho's horticultural POV.  They will fruit happily in a shady, rubbishy spot (along with blackcurrants) and don't need to be sprayed or even really netted, unless you have some very determined avian bandits in your vicinity.  My own long-suffering bushes have been unceremoniously relocated for the umpteenth time and we've had one of the driest Novembers on record- I still get enough fruit to make a good batch of jam.  So yeah.  If you have room for them (a big m2 for each bush), look into gooseberries.  Particularly the 'Invicta' variety; they have proved entirely resistant to the mildew that has wiped every other kind I've tried to introduce in this high-humidity garden.

I know it's getting into winter in the northern hemi, but this stuff's pretty quissmassy- go buy some frozen gooseberries if necessary.  And aren't they draping Spain in polythene specifically so you can buy shit out of season?  Tuh! 

Below are the very weedy and completely neglected bushes from which we will wrest today's materials.  Note the horrible fucking thorns.  I'm wearing gloves, but there will be blood.
If you're in a hurry/already know how to make jam, scroll past the pastoral shiz for the recipe.

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Half an hour and a lot of profanity later, we've got enough for jam, but you've probably just gone to the shops and bought some like a normal person.  I've thrown in some blackcurrants from the bushes behind the gooseberries in an effort the turn the results a nice rosy pink.  You really don't need to do this.  The two fruits are very closely-related members of the Ribes fam, hence their affinity.  One just tastes a wee bit greener than the other.

This lot  comes to about 1.6kgs or 3.5 pounds.  I work in metric so that's the end of my Imperial pandering.


It's 2013, peeps.

W H A T   Y O U ' L L   N E E D -

- At least 500g of gooseberries.  Any less is bound to burn before it jams.  Ripeness isn't critical.
- Around the same weight of plain white sugar as you have fruit.  A little less is fine.
- A handful + of blackcurrants for colour if you have some.  Completely unnecessary, though.
- One big lemon
- The biggest stainless pot you've got.
- 3-8 sterilized regular sized jars with tight-fitting lids.  Chutney/jam/relish jars will do fine.
- A jam funnel.  Or a stainless ladle.  Both is ideal.

(Worried about making jam?  Here's a few words of timely advice.)

Gooseberries are high in both acid and pectin and are thusly the jam queen's friend.  You don't really need to acidulate with lemon juice but I find it supports the tartness of the fresh fruits' flavour, especially if your berries are all at the raw-eating/dessert stage and have lost their green bite.  My fruit are a mix of ripeness.  Some are hard and very green, some are turning golden and easily compressable.  Before you do anything else, wash the jars and lids thoroughly (and the funnel if you have one), in the sink or dishwasher, set your oven to around 100˚C and set them up in there on an ovenproof tray to dry and sterilize.

Wash the berries and remove all the leafy shit/insects/cigarette butts.  Pick off the brown blossom ends.  Stop whining and just do it.  And stop eating the ripe ones.
I can see you.

Put the clean fruit into a large stainless high-sided pot and add enough cold water to stew them in briefly: for this amount of fruit I use about 2 good cups of water. 

It should look like this before the sugar

Enough to stop it sticking to the bottom, basically.  The amount isn't crucial, but the more water you add, the longer the jam will take to firm up.


Bring the fruit to the boil and simmer until it's squishable with a spoon, then remove from heat.  Juice your lemon and add the results to the pot along with the sugar.  

Keeping it off the heat, stir the mixture until you're sure the sugar's dissolved, otherwise it might stick and burn.  Return to the heat and bring it back to the boil, keeping it stirred and skimming off the white foam that rises to the top now and then.  If you've added currants, the liquor will start to turn pink.  Otherwise, you'll have a nice kiwifruit-green/gold baby jam happening at this point.

Drag a finger through a drop...

We're not there yet. Still too thin.

Unless you boil the shit out of it or add commercial pectin (don't do that), gooseberry jam made with ripe fruit might not 'set' to a totally stiff, rubbery consistency; it doesn't matter- anything from a thick sauce to a wobbly jelly is fine, so don't panic if you can't plant a flag in your experimental drips.  It all tastes the same and lasts just as well.

Thick and stiff (lol)? You've got jam.

E D I T : This has been a really dry year and both my neighbour and myself have found that our gooseberry jam has set like a mofo so if you're using a lot of unripe fruit or it's been hot and arid, add a bit more water or cut back your cooking time if you'd like to avoid a rock-hard set.

^ The stodgy texture of hot basaltic lava is what you're looking for.  You'll be boiling it anything from 10 to 20 mins.  Keep dropping it on a cold plate or benchtop until you get a satisfying blobbiness when you poke at it.

It will set further in the glass as it cools, so don't be too fussy.  Fill your biggest jars first, then work down to the smaller ones; if you have an awkward amount left over, just refrigerate in a bowl and eat it first.

Seal jars while still hot, set aside to cool.  Twist the lids on hard to make sure you've got a good seal.  I got three big jars and two small from this amount of fruit.  This jam is delicious in so many contexts; everything from trad toast and muffins to flavouring gravy and sauces and pouring on icecream.  Its pretty colour (pink or green) tends to impress the hell out of the culinarily-declined, so dress up the jars and you've got some presents to pass around.
S T I L L   B O R E D ?   M O R E   K I T C H E N   B I T C H   R E C I P E S   HERE

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