Met Gala: The Definitive Review

I don't want to keep you or any of these people in suspense any longer so I will just release my grades right now.

Yes/Thematic Success/ Would Wear to Supermarket Personally

I don't know who this is but I accept their claim to greatness. THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT MUST BE TASTED.

Hated it at first but was won over and then hushed by the majesty of her meatflaps.

Diamonds cannot contain this paroxysm of excellence.  I toyed with hating Ezra Miller but then read an interview, was uplifted by his breezy milleniallanilism and decided he should be allowed to live, if only to annoy the neighbours.

This is absolutely correct in all respects including wearer's expression and pant length.

The eloquence of the combs.

Skates close to the edge of No on sheer volume which normally equals cheating, but subject matter could have been worse.  

While this is almost too calculating I pour one out for the structure and coherence.  It's classy but I would have liked to see less of that.

Yes to poodle cartouches and cumslut glasses in one look.

Eyes left for maximum pleasure.

Usually I cannot abide Cara Delafrugletalents but this did not enrage me unduly.

I would have gone with more beading.

I don't know who this glum bitch is but I would rip that shit right off and lock her in a toilet somewhere while trying to get my fat arse into at least part of this dress until someone threw me out.

Almost did not appreciate until I saw the horse and was humbled.

Sloppy, lustrous, acid green: you had me at sloppy.

---

Thought Was Mmmokay But Am Blinded By Hatred Of Wearer

There was some merit in Cardi B's paradisiacal genitalia cosy but big trains are so fucking played out and I lose IQ points looking at her just as a general rule, so no.

---

A World of No, LOL, Cringetastic Conceit and Not With Someone Else's Dick: Low Information Edition

When you're snatched to the point where I'm adjusting my fucking knicker elastic, something's not right.

DONT SAY IT, SHE CAN HEAR YOU.  Bonus bronzer- grease tit slippage.

I always thought this chick just looked super-into herself because of some unfortunate procedure, but then I accidentally saw her in an autoplay makeup tutorial and was almost knocked out of my chair by the dizzying magnitude of her self-regard.  I don't understand.

I think this is some sort of Emily?  All I know is that her smugness has always bewildered me.  Maybe she knows something I don't.  Love the head piece.  You should wear it more often.

Everyone used to be all about Gwen Stefani but I have been laughing at her since 1993 and I hope you've all learned something tonight.

You know what I love?  I love that Ezra Miller is everything Jared Leto has always tried so hard to be, and they attend the same events.  You can see it in his eyes here.  

​I sip from that chalice.

Oh Katy, darkness is your friend.  Who told you differently?  That was mean.

So much effort and it's not even funny.

There is someone for everyone.
​There really is.

---