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Met Gala: The Definitive Review

7/5/2019

 
I don't want to keep you or any of these people in suspense any longer so I will just release my grades right now.

Yes/Thematic Success/ Would Wear to Supermarket Personally
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I don't know who this is but I accept their claim to greatness. THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT MUST BE TASTED.
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Hated it at first but was won over and then hushed by the majesty of her meatflaps.
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Diamonds cannot contain this paroxysm of excellence.  I toyed with hating Ezra Miller but then read an interview, was uplifted by his breezy milleniallanilism and decided he should be allowed to live, if only to annoy the neighbours.
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This is absolutely correct in all respects including wearer's expression and pant length.
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The eloquence of the combs.
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Skates close to the edge of No on sheer volume which normally equals cheating, but subject matter could have been worse.  
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While this is almost too calculating I pour one out for the structure and coherence.  It's classy but I would have liked to see less of that.
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Yes to poodle cartouches and cumslut glasses in one look.
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Eyes left for maximum pleasure.
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Usually I cannot abide Cara Delafrugletalents but this did not enrage me unduly.
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I would have gone with more beading.
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I don't know who this glum bitch is but I would rip that shit right off and lock her in a toilet somewhere while trying to get my fat arse into at least part of this dress until someone threw me out.
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Almost did not appreciate until I saw the horse and was humbled.
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Sloppy, lustrous, acid green: you had me at sloppy.

Thought Was Mmmokay But Am Blinded By Hatred Of Wearer
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There was some merit in Cardi B's paradisiacal genitalia cosy but big trains are so fucking played out and I lose IQ points looking at her just as a general rule, so no.

A World of No, LOL, Cringetastic Conceit and Not With Someone Else's Dick: Low Information Edition
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When you're snatched to the point where I'm adjusting my fucking knicker elastic, something's not right.
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DONT SAY IT, SHE CAN HEAR YOU.  Bonus bronzer- grease tit slippage.
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I always thought this chick just looked super-into herself because of some unfortunate procedure, but then I accidentally saw her in an autoplay makeup tutorial and was almost knocked out of my chair by the dizzying magnitude of her self-regard.  I don't understand.
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I think this is some sort of Emily?  All I know is that her smugness has always bewildered me.  Maybe she knows something I don't.  Love the head piece.  You should wear it more often.
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Everyone used to be all about Gwen Stefani but I have been laughing at her since 1993 and I hope you've all learned something tonight.
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You know what I love?  I love that Ezra Miller is everything Jared Leto has always tried so hard to be, and they attend the same events.  You can see it in his eyes here.  

​I sip from that chalice.
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Oh Katy, darkness is your friend.  Who told you differently?  That was mean.
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So much effort and it's not even funny.
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There is someone for everyone.
​There really is.


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