I'm just going to cut right to one of the most important issues facing our ailing society this week. Actually, that's a complete lie and I'm going to bang on about the penis instead, since its been incessantly nudging my consciousness for a while now, sort of like Lassie. Normally I'd swat that shit with a rolled up newspaper but I'm feeling generous.
Adolph Hitler Micropenis Revelation: Apparently Adolph was technically pathological in the junk department, presenting with micropenis + penile hypospadias which are fairly common congenital conditions. No, I am not going to draw you a picture. I almost did, but you probably know that by now.
That diagnosis is mostly retrospective conjecture, of course and we all know how reliable that shit is, but is anyone really surprised that der Herr wasn't someone who enjoyed felicitous sex with a consenting adult? I've always thought it was stupidly fucking obvious. Who wants to bother with genocide or world domination or Goldman Sachs when you could be getting your clock cleaned/salad tossed/pipes drained etc?
I mean all that regardless of physiology. I doubt Hitler could have enjoyed sex under any circumstances because petulant arseclowns tend not to like or understand intimate mutualistic transactions. But you know everyone's jumping on the tiny cock lolol aspect and that's not cool; there are plenty of dainty dicks out there belonging to perfectly productive and sexually-engaged members of society. Let's not get it twisted. Hitler was a basic, chickenhearted fucktard who couldn't deal with his own perfectly commonplace shit and that's what we should spraypaint on his headstone at night if anyone ever bothers to get him one.
That diagnosis is mostly retrospective conjecture, of course and we all know how reliable that shit is, but is anyone really surprised that der Herr wasn't someone who enjoyed felicitous sex with a consenting adult? I've always thought it was stupidly fucking obvious. Who wants to bother with genocide or world domination or Goldman Sachs when you could be getting your clock cleaned/salad tossed/pipes drained etc?
I mean all that regardless of physiology. I doubt Hitler could have enjoyed sex under any circumstances because petulant arseclowns tend not to like or understand intimate mutualistic transactions. But you know everyone's jumping on the tiny cock lolol aspect and that's not cool; there are plenty of dainty dicks out there belonging to perfectly productive and sexually-engaged members of society. Let's not get it twisted. Hitler was a basic, chickenhearted fucktard who couldn't deal with his own perfectly commonplace shit and that's what we should spraypaint on his headstone at night if anyone ever bothers to get him one.
 | It's peculiar, isn't it, that whole excessive genital significance thing? Crediting one's junk with the rest of one's properties. Men have always tried to apply this retarded metric to significant women in that really stupid literal way, painting them as insatiable sluts or neuters in lieu of visible, quantifiable inches. Cleopatra VII Philopater: skank. Joan d'Arc: virgin. Catherine the Great; popular masculine imagination has her dying trying to fuck a stallion because what could be more important to a chick than like, the biggest penis eva? |  |
By most accounts, Catherine did like a nice bit of (conventional) ho shit and set up a system of procurement and reward that must have been the envy of her noble and blameless manwhore contemporaries, but I dunno... given the scope of her resources I can only grant her a solid 6 out of 10 on the slut Richter scale. If I was queen of bloody Russia I would have gone absolutely mad outsourcing fuckboys from one end of the known world to the other, keeping them in rooms full of ikat and amber and hash and the best medjool dates. Then I would have been deposed for emptying the exchequer, cruelly stripped of my twinks and sent to live out my days in stubbornly impenitent disgrace.
It's important to keep in mind that none of this relates directly to genital size, configuration or orientation beyond the dictates of my or Catherine's or Hitler's essential character. How we respond to our own physicality is governed by our personalities. Whilst a wee cock or a hungry hoo-ha might inform aspects of our disposition, giving them too much credit is lazy, puerile, reductive and exculpatory.
It's important to keep in mind that none of this relates directly to genital size, configuration or orientation beyond the dictates of my or Catherine's or Hitler's essential character. How we respond to our own physicality is governed by our personalities. Whilst a wee cock or a hungry hoo-ha might inform aspects of our disposition, giving them too much credit is lazy, puerile, reductive and exculpatory.
Re: Cock Size Let a veteran enthusiast drop some empirical semi-science about panty pythons for the benefit of the confused and distressed. Despite what dudes might have heard, dick dimension isn't really something that looms particularly large in the median heterosexual feminine psyche, from my own experience and that which I have gathered elsewhere. Remember, there is heavy overlap between the notional concepts of large and good in popular culture regarding sexual characteristics (see: tits and arse), and given that your average woman isn't any more creative than the average man, it's no wonder even this most demonstrably bogus of associations persists, if only superficially. Whenever I've gotten into more detailed discussion on the matter, what emerges is that women tend to think more in overall performance terms. Ha ha ha! Terrifying, isn't it? Size queens feel differently, and they enjoy that designation precisely because they are outliers.
That's not to say we don't like a big one and indeed many women will profess an aesthetic preference for the hung guy in a lineup, but it's my feeling that this is more to do with overall relative proportion than a universal love of veiny hugeness. Unless you're a show-er and not a grower, resting penises tend to look a bit small in relation to the remainder of the male body. I said resting, and look. This doesn't mean we're all dying for ten inches up in our business. What your shit looks like and how it feels to us are very, very different things.
I'm not going to lie, though. A small penis is a sexual disadvantage, by and large. There are definitely women who really don't mind/prefer modest dimensions and most of us don't come vaginally anyway, so it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker if you cultivate good all-round technique. Technique is awesome. We love that shit, will lavishly praise your pussy proficiency to other women and you will become that guy in our minds.
I'm not going to lie, though. A small penis is a sexual disadvantage, by and large. There are definitely women who really don't mind/prefer modest dimensions and most of us don't come vaginally anyway, so it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker if you cultivate good all-round technique. Technique is awesome. We love that shit, will lavishly praise your pussy proficiency to other women and you will become that guy in our minds.
Medium-sized sausage is what most of us A: expect and B: enjoy when push comes to shove. Expect because we know most of you are packing a medium situation, mmokay? A lot of subtle physical and behavioural cues give you away, so there's no point stuffing or fronting or overselling yourselves. Just relax about that. Enjoy due to overall ease of use and positional versatility. Around two thirds of my diverse female sample have murmured most wistfully about medium cock with a nice helping of extra girth, and that is probably the popular ideal.
In the right hands, a large one can turn you out like no one's business and it's a horrible shame they're so often attached to guys who've drunk the size-conquers-all koolaid. Men tend to imagine they'd all be rockstars/astronauts/sex professors if only they'd been granted those vital extra inches and I've heard some really talented, satisfying dudes express this peculiar notion which is both sad and amusing. News flash: generally speaking, XL = extra responsibility, not automatic ecstasy. You better know what the fuck you're doing with that thing, says anyone who's ever been rubbed the wrong way by an epic portion. Within the scope of consensual hetero sex there are few things more annoying and boring than being poked in the kidneys for 4.5 minutes by someone who thinks you should be grateful for their hallowed magnitude. Except getting poked in the sigmoid colon by said magnitude during butt stuff*. If you do know what you're doing, consider yourself blessed and try not to get sucked into the idea that it's your most valuable quality; it probably isn't.
It's best not to take any of this literally. Genitals are all absolutely, utterly relative to each other and the reason researchers have failed to uncover a gold standard is because there really isn't one. If we like you, chances are we'll like your junk, especially if you're okay with it too and know how to enjoy ours.
Unless you're Hitler. Cock size was the least of his problems.
* lexicographically, I prefer arseplay but this footnote and quite possibly this entire piece are brought to you by the power of hoodrat; phonetic considerations prevail.
In the right hands, a large one can turn you out like no one's business and it's a horrible shame they're so often attached to guys who've drunk the size-conquers-all koolaid. Men tend to imagine they'd all be rockstars/astronauts/sex professors if only they'd been granted those vital extra inches and I've heard some really talented, satisfying dudes express this peculiar notion which is both sad and amusing. News flash: generally speaking, XL = extra responsibility, not automatic ecstasy. You better know what the fuck you're doing with that thing, says anyone who's ever been rubbed the wrong way by an epic portion. Within the scope of consensual hetero sex there are few things more annoying and boring than being poked in the kidneys for 4.5 minutes by someone who thinks you should be grateful for their hallowed magnitude. Except getting poked in the sigmoid colon by said magnitude during butt stuff*. If you do know what you're doing, consider yourself blessed and try not to get sucked into the idea that it's your most valuable quality; it probably isn't.
It's best not to take any of this literally. Genitals are all absolutely, utterly relative to each other and the reason researchers have failed to uncover a gold standard is because there really isn't one. If we like you, chances are we'll like your junk, especially if you're okay with it too and know how to enjoy ours.
Unless you're Hitler. Cock size was the least of his problems.
* lexicographically, I prefer arseplay but this footnote and quite possibly this entire piece are brought to you by the power of hoodrat; phonetic considerations prevail.
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